Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
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i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
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It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
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