what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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