Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
