I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
organizing the empties. That sober.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
