The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
