you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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