he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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