I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
