PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Found the puke drawer
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
