I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
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Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
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I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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