I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
