my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
