I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
