are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Come see our sink grown plant.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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