i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
