you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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