I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
