i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
