I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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