I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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