Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
