My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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