i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder