im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.