Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.