I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
