If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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