Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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