God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
