Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
