so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
