i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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