I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
