I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
