There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
