Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I supernannyed him into submission
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
