so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
