I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
