she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
How did I end up in the pool?!
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I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
So. Much. Porn.
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