He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
