dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
