I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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