I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
