Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
She told me I should be a condom model.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
