someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
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No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
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My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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