I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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