What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
