yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
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Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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