I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
