watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
