You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
