cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
