I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
