KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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