So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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