im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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