Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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