I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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