I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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