Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
