This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
