Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
